I've been researching Snopes and all my other usual sites to see if this particular gem is a spoof but so far, it seems genuine, so here, in all its logic-defying absurdist glory it is.
Islamabad - Sharia Correspondent: The Council of Islamic Ideology (CII) concluded their 192nd meeting on Thursday with the ruling that women are un-Islamic and that their mere existence contradicted Sharia and the will of Allah.
Now, since Shariʻah constitutes a system of duties that are incumbent upon a Muslim by virtue of his or her religious belief, and Allah has not been terribly vocal about his will since eeny-meeny-miney-mo-ing the uterus to the woman, I'm finding it hard to attach a logic basis to that statement.
As the meeting concluded CII Chairman Maulana Muhammad Khan Shirani noted that women by existing defied the laws of nature,
The picture that promptly insists on crowding everything else out of my brain is this one.
and to protect Islam and the Sharia women should be forced to stop existing as soon as possible. The announcement comes a couple of days after CII’s 191st meeting where they dubbed laws related to minimum marriage age to be un-Islamic.
I'm confused, now. If women obediently stop existing, isn't the world going to start running out of Muslims at some stage? And then won't a minimum marriage age be a moot point?
After declaring women to be un-Islamic, Shirani explained that there were actually two kinds of women – haraam ( Arabic term meaning sinful) and makrooh ( a disliked or offensive act (literally "detestable")). “We can divide all women in the world into two distinct categories: those who are haraam and those who are makrooh. Now the difference between haraam and makrooh is that the former is categorically forbidden while the latter is really really disliked,” Shirani said.
Team Haraam or Team Makrooh? What will the buffs look like? For reference : another thing that is makrooh is prawns.
He further went on to explain how the women around the world can ensure that they get promoted to being makrooh, from just being downright haraam. “Any woman that exercises her will is haraam, absolutely haraam, and is conspiring against Islam and the Ummah, whereas those women who are totally subservient can reach the status of being makrooh. Such is the generosity of our ideology and such is the endeavour of Muslim men like us who are the true torchbearers of gender equality,” the CII chairman added.
Continuing the food analogy : a thing that is haraam is pork. By being subservient, you can get promoted from pork to prawns. Somewhere, Darwin is spinning in his grave and a Chinese restaurant owner is furrowing his brow and staring at his menu.
Officials told Khabaristan Today that the council members deliberated over various historic references related to women and concluded that each woman is a source of fitna (an Arabic word with extensive connotations of trial, affliction, or distress)
I won't necessarily argue this one on the grounds of logic.
and a perpetual enemy of Islam. They also decided that by restricting them to their subordinate, bordering on slave status, the momineen and the mujahideen can ensure that Islam continues to be the religion of peace, prosperity and gender equality.
I will never, ever get my head around a single sentence that merrily bundles slave status in with gender equality.
Responding to a question one of the officials said that international standards of gender equality should not be used if they contradict Islam or the constitution of Pakistan that had incorporated Islam and had given sovereignty to Allah. “We don’t believe in western ideals, and nothing that contradicts Islam should ever be paid heed. In any case by giving women the higher status of being makrooh, it’s us Muslims who have paved the way for true, Sharia compliant feminism,” the official said.
I thought you had to work at being makrooh. I envisioned this makrooh testing panel, where you could apply for evaluation after seven years of subservience training, and walk out with a prawn buff instead of your pork buff.
The CII meeting also advised the government that to protect Islam women’s right to breathe should also be taken away from them. “Whether a woman is allowed to breathe or not be left up to her husband or male guardian, and no woman under any circumstance whatsoever should be allowed to decide whether she can breathe or not,” Shirani said.
Now see, I really can't decide if the writer of the article just sat staring at his/her screen for five minutes, proofreading what he'd written so far, and then decided, fuck it. Nothing in my life makes any sense. Let's just stick in that paragraph and see if anyone actually notices. If nobody does, then next I'm writing about the decision of the Council to start vetting groups of 72 virgins to be sacrificed for the heroes of the coming jihad via a revolutionary new selection process called Islamabad's Got Talent - only the prawn flavoured ones need apply.
From now on, I'm bookmarking the decisions of the 192+ meeting of the CII, because I think we might be in for the unexpected treat of a public descent into insanity.
