First world problems

The ponytail story

"Scientists have said that a "Rapunzel Number" may have helped them to crack a problem that has perplexed humanity since Leonardo da Vinci pondered it 500 years ago.
Scientists from the University of Cambridge and the University of Warwick said they had devised a "Ponytail Shape Equation", which when calculated using the Rapunzel Number and a measure of the curliness of hair can be used to predict the shape of any ponytail."

Really? REALLY? THIS is what we've spent 500 years worrying about?

And another real attention-getter here :

what a waste of space

"Quick change! Samantha Cameron swaps trouser suit for daring pink dress as she sits front row at McQ's hair-raising show"

This is news in what universe? Unless she actually did change as she sat in the front row (no, she didn't) or the dress was actually daring (no, it wasn't) this story is a total waste of bandwidth. However, I am now annoyed because I actually went to the story(to verify the public-change and daring bits) so I started reading the story. That was a mistake.

"She is the ambassador for the British Fashion Council"

What in the name of goodness does a Fashion Council need an ambassador for? Does she get diplomatic immunity while rescuing fashion victims from fashion nazis? What, for that matter, does Fashion even need a Council for?

And then Salma Hayek wades in with more misrepresentation.

"'It was so mind-blowingly extraordinary - every single piece - and very wearable - stuff we can all wear."

The accompanying photograph of her shows, disappointingly, that her brains are still where they were when the show began.
As for the second bit of the sentence.....



Yep, I see myself popping out to PaknSave in that. For sure. Perfect for golf too. That's her hair, BTW - not a hat.

Something we all wanted to know, here, on the anniversary of the Christchurch earthquake...

'Her buttocks are 100 percent real'! Coco Austin undergoes an on-air examination to prove her curves aren't fake"

WHAT???!!!
This is such Bzuh! stuff I find myself reading on while trying to retrieve my jaw off my instep.
It turns out Coco Whatever is married to IceT (heh, Coconut Ice, anyone?) and the bits of the article that don't deal with an ultrasound scan done to prove that her ass is made of meat (because the continued successful operation of the Hadron Particle Collider depends on this vital piece of information, presumably) deal with how she and said husband are looking to buy a new house because she has too many clothes to fit into the old one.

Oh wait, it gets better, That was actually the plot for an entire TV episode.


On the other hand, this made my day.

It's a he-gassen scroll; he-gassen translates literally as fart-battle. I can practically hear my 16-year old Beloved Son shriek, "That's so ninja!". For myself, I'm quietly happy that enough of this type of art exists to actually warrant its own name.

On human nature

Hmm, we live in interesting times; and I find once again you learn a lot more about people by listening to them than talking to them. Ruthlessness exists in the most unlikely people. Sometimes we assume that the time we invest in other people's children will result in consideration for ours; this is not so in many cases. I have just walked away saddened by a real-life example of people who would rather see me cancel something that is important to my daughter than have to inconvenience themselves. I wouldn't say I've lost my faith in human nature (insofar as it ever existed) but I have realised just how unsafe it is to bank on that nature being benevolent.

For so many years now, I've investigated the best ways to deal with communal parental difficulties by working together; this mostly involves me spending my time and organising logistics - CDs, photocopying; that sort of thing - and clearly there's no return on investment here.

I don't think this will stop me from helping people who ask for help; but it has made me think twice about reaching out and helping people. Which is a shame, because some degree of isolation and cynicism had started lifting.

On a lighter note...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2098101/South-African-claims-famous-Zulu-singer-died-2009.html
"A South African man who claims to be the resurrected figure of one the country's best known - and dead - has charged with fraud, South African police say."

(Nobody is telling us what he charged, although the oversight is understandable in light of his status as the resurrected figure of one of the country's best known and dead idols.).

"The man mounted a police truck to explain to the crowd that he had been kidnapped by zombies who had kept him trapped in remote cave."

(Of which there is only one?)

"Doubts were also raised about the fact that the 'resurrected' singer no longer had his distinctive gold tooth and that the deep scars on his face appeared to have healed."

This is what I adore about this story. They frown about his missing gold tooth and some healed scars, but the zombie kidnap and detention bit; yep, we're totally down with that.

No! He was not!

On the occasion of my daughter breaking her nose for a second time

Listening to The Heart Asks Pleasure First (better known as the theme from The Piano) I want to play this for my daughter and ask her whether she feels more like echoing it with her feet or her fingers.

Because either answer tells me more about her.
I can picture her now, asking, "Did I answer wrong?"
There are no wrong answers. She never disappoints me or fails to fascinate me.
Maybe this is why we feel the loss of our mothers so keenly.

Why you should listen to your mother, Part 17

So, it's JP's birthday and  they're all off to Spookers, House of Horror extraordinaire (I am told). You have to be 16 to get in, as the voucher informs me when I book his ticket. It also informs me that you are expected to wear sensible footwear. Now, getting Michael to wear shoes at all is a mission, but he will wear his Rockies sandals if forced. Sensible footwear sounds to me more like it involves socks. With some trouble I persuade him to include a bag involving socks and shoes among the other essentials for a night out (horrid plastic and steel models, dices of many sides, codex, laptop, oh and maybe a toothbrush). I also ask him to check that he has his student ID with his DOB on it.

It goes like this :

"Mum, it's in my wallet!"
"Have you checked that?"
"Mum, we're going to be late!"

Come 7.30, we the not-Spookers are sitting down to supper. Shani's birthday present rings. (Samsung Smartphone). It's a stealth call from her brother.

"Can you go find my passport?"

After a few Bzuh? moments, she establishes that he needs a photo of the page which proves his age, because, no surprises, the student ID is not in his wallet. So the plan is, Shani photographs this page with her birthday present and sends it to PK's phone (PK has the same phone) and PK displays this to the vigilant gentleman guarding the entrance. None of which is to be noticed by the parent who is so going to say "I TOLD you so!"  the next day.  Yes, he's clever, but not smart. Followers of this blog will also understand why sending the photograph to Michael's phone is not a practical possibility.

The lasting problem for Michael, though, is that his passport has expired. A lot. The photo in it is the one taken just before we left England; a tremendously cute 7 year old beaming chubbily at the camera. Which is now on PK's phone.  And if anyone thinks that's where it's going to stay, you haven't been in close contact with a bunch of 16 year old schoolboys recently.

I foresee a lot of cheek-pinching in Michaels' future.

Also note the footwear. Apparently Spookers agrees with me on the sensible footwear front.

l-r Molly, Will, JP, Peculiar Person, PK, Michael.

More Press fwittery

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2087810/Base-jumper-plummets-200ft-breaks-legs-botched-wingsuit-leap-Table-Mountain.html
Base jumper Jeb Corliss jumped off Table Mountain in a wingsuit, and something went horribly wrong - either a gust of wind or possibly his foot catching on an outcrop - so he did not so much fly as plummet back to earth. He is recovering and stated to be in a stable condition. Here's the quote that has me scratching my head.
"Officials in South Africa have said the California-born stuntman could face criminal charges or a fine following his Table Mountain leap.
A spokeswoman for the flat-topped mountain said base jumping was banned there due to safety concerns."

Mountains have spokeswomen?

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/6281024/Wahlberg-would-ve-stopped-attack

Point 1 : " "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did," he said. "
It's GONE down, Mark, GONE down.
Point 2 : " "There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'" "

It's a matter of record that when the terrorists who piloted those planes into the Twin Towers were learning to fly, they made it clear that they weren't interested in learning to land; and it has always bothered me that this did not raise a red flag in their instructors' minds. Given that in order to take over control of the planes the first thing that the terrorists would have had to do was to incapacitate the pilots and co-pilots, leaving the plane in the hands of two men who didn't know how to land, just how is Mark planning to land somewhere safely?


http://www.stuff.co.nz/business/world/6282600/I-beg-your-pardon-Nuckin-Futs

Deals with the enterprising Aussie snack maker who wanted to come up with an iconic Aussie name for their new nut snack and the resulting legal case. All interesting enough but the last paragraph raises my eyebrows by sharing this :

"The edible snack, which contains nuts, will only be sold in pubs, nightclubs and other entertainment venues."

Glad we got that cleared up then. You wouldn't want inedible snacks in pubs.

I am most horribly afraid..

...that the excellent Ms Charlaine Harris has chosen to wind up her "Grave" series with the latest book (OK, latest to me; I use the library rather than the bookstore!) "Grave Secret". She hasn't said she is doing so; she ends the book with lines that make it clear the story goes on, but the book just has a winding-up feel to it, and it saddens me. Harper Connelly, heroine of the series, is one of the most appealing literary characters I've found; she's a fighter who has survived and continues to survive appalling circumstances and prejudice, and the whole story so far is a beautifully put-together jigsaw; and that's what bothers me about this last book; she dropped the last piece of the jigsaw into place.
And yet, and yet. There's Babylon 5. I loved this series; the storytelling was magnificent and it came to an end when the story ended, and nobody milked it, even though fans would have liked them to. Maybe that's the trick of a memorable story; and Ms Harris is a memorable storyteller.

Bother.I was right.

From her FB page :

"To clarify, there will be another Sookie after "Deadlocked," which comes out this May. It's nice to know that lots of readers will miss her, but it's not a good idea to extend a series beyond its natural life.
 I don't have plans to write any more books about Harper Connelly or Lily Bard."

I am disappoint.

The More Sources and Insiders, The Less News

Tag : And this is news because….?

 http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10777526

Some unknown chef (described as a ‘celebrity’ though I’ve never heard of him) split with his partner, who I’ve also never heard of, and is now boyfriending Nicky Watson, who I have heard of, though she says she doesn’t want to be famous (hint : in that case, don’t announce to the media that you have attempted suicide, used hard drugs, had threesomes,  watched pornography from a young age and forgotten to wear underwear at high-visibility outdoor events) and said partner has provided all the input for this article describing her shock and failure to understand her ex’s new relationship. She concludes the article by saying, “I don’t care. I am just getting on with my life and they can go to it.”

Um…..okay then. She doesn’t care so much there’s an entire news article about the matter and I am still wondering what is newsworthy about any of it.

Tag : How DO these people know so much?

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/6230562/Depp-battling-fractured-romance

So this one has to do with the reported relationship problems between Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.

Although I think ‘reported’ may be a flattering adjective, if you actually read this article. There are some in-depth insights into the situation from, respectively,  “A Source”, “The Insider”, and the RadarOnline website. Yes,  that website so well-acquainted with the mind of Johnny Depp that they have published a photo featuring the face of Depp and Paradis’s eldest child right against the express and clear wishes of Johnny Depp.  The article is full of ‘reportedly’, ‘speculation’, ‘apparently’, ‘suggests’, ‘claimed’, which means  the following are all the actual facts I can glean from it.

·         The couple have been together since 1998.

·         They have two children together.

·         Radar Online have cobbled together some story about them to put on their website.

I knew the first two and I don’t give a flying about the third, except to wonder once more where the tribe known as Sources lives. Probably right next to the Encampment of the Insiders.

And backing this up in supreme irony, not to mention fwittery, follows this gem :

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2083821/Katy-Perry-speaks-Twitter-divorce-Russell-Brand.html

Now the focus of this article is that Katy Perry has made a clear statement that unless she says it herself it is not a fact. No Sources, no Insiders. Well, OK, she Tweeted it, but you get my point.

And – wait for it – “Sources close to told TMZ the moving process is already under way and most of [Brand’s] belongings are already out of the home”. Excuse me, WHAT was the article about again?

“Friends said the singer had asked….” Etc

“Other rumours say….” Etc

Oh stuff this, my brain is starting to hurt. Let me count :

Sources                :               1

Friends Say         :               3

Rumours Say      :               1

Reportedly         :               1

Katy, it’s a brick wall.